So, we decited to have a seperation for a month to see how things go. We lasted a week. It's over. We're not compatable (sp), and it would never work in the long run. He'll never love me, and he doesn't want to try. I can't live with a relationship like that.

So we're going to stay friends, and fuck buddies for the moment. I'm still going to need someone to hug onto for a while.

I'm not sure if I'm ready to go out into the dating world. I'm having a pretty bleek outlook of myself. My confidence and self worth are a little shot. Poop. :(

So I figured that I've been neglecting my journal for a while now. And I'm sorry. >.<" I'll try to be better at it from now on! Of course, the procrastination on that may come more fabulious than I would like to, so no promises. ::wink::

My Little Spoon has been in NY for a while now. I miss her face.

I didn't mail out Christmas cards, but actually plan on doing so on Monday. I know they'll be coming out late...but better late than never? Heck, I wrote them all out weeks ago! I just never got around to actually MAILING them out. Details.

I found someone to put a new Engine in my Buick. Yea! For around 500, so that's good. It's Amanda's boyfriend, Jerm. I think it'll come at a good time for him too, because I'll have him do it at the beginning part of Februrary. And that's around the same time that he has his Annaversury with Amanda, Amanda's birthday, and Valentine's day all rolled in within a couple short weeks. LoL. Poor guy. This extra work will be good for him financially.

I talked to my parents about where to get the engine. We're going to get it in Redding. It's the cheapest, even with the gas money to get it over here. I'm more than fine with that. All in all...it'll cost me slightly under two grand to get it all situated. And, actually, I plan on fixing the window (it's not on the motor correctly to roll up and down) on the passanger side. That'll cost me a little bit. And I plan on getting it detailed cleaned on the inside...fixing the molding that is attempting to come up, etc..etc..etc.. Okay, so to get my car all up and running correctly it'll cost me over two grand. ::deep sigh:: And then I have to register it in MY name (it's still in my parents name), and get insurance. ::double sigh:: The year is starting off quite a bit expensive. At least I didn't have to buy the car. It was given to me. ::smile:: And the tires, tranny, and all but the basic engine is new...so that's good. Oh, and my parents bought me a car battery for Christmas. Double yea! ^__^"

Besides car costs, I am going to Anime Con in Sac with Amanda...not Stonebarger...don't actually remember has last name. Anyways, I'm super excited about it. I've already gotten the days off from work. It'll be the weekend after Cassie comes back into California. I'll spend that friday with her, catching up and hanging out, and then leave the next day to pop my AnimeCon/Cosplay Cherry. Can't wait! I'm not bringing TOO much money to spend, but I am bringing a good amount.

The weekend after that is my 23rd birthday. I want to go to Tappenyaki (sp) at the Ritz with some close friends and my parents. I think we'll also take in a movie...Bride Wars?. So far the list of people I want to come is thus, Mommy, Daddy, Cassie, Amanda Stonebarger, Per, and of course, Me. It's going to be dutch...so everyone has to chip in their amount. I can't afford to pay for it all! >.<" Everyone has said that they'll be there and has gotten time off of work...well, except the lovely spoonage...but again, one can never tell. ::tear::

I kinda wanna invite one more person...in case my Little Spoonage flakes out (as she's known to do), but am not sure who. I'm sure I can get any number of girls to come, but I want it to be someone who I'm kinda close to. Hmmm...I'll figure it out. Jeanna's not allowed to show...my mother even said that! LoL. I think she pissed off more people than she realized with her Jessica drama bit. Stupid girl.

Let's see, in other news I had a decent Christmas. Okay...well, Christmas eve I got sexually harassed to the point that not only did security cut off 4 guys (they were harassing me and the bartender), but they also kicked them out. And on Christmas (again, I worked) there was a pretty nasty bar fight. I've seen worse, but still...it was a cat fight. ::sweat drop::

But I had my Christmas Eve on Friday and that was spent with Mom, Dad, Per, and I watching the Jeff Dunham Christmas Special, and Mom, Per, and I playing some 5 Crowns, and then when mom went out to the studio we put on a movie and proceeded to not watch it. ::eyebrow wiggle:: Fun night. LoL. OH, and Per and I talked and now we're "official". Kinda makes me smile. ::grin::

So now I have a boyfriend! I've been single for a year and a half, and now I'm taken! It's kinda weird actually. I had gotten used to being single...which was weird to begin with. But now I'm going to have to get used to being in a relationship again. And this...isn't going to be like the other ones. He's completey different, and I like that. My parents do too. OMG, I'm suprised my mom hasn't picked out curtins and bridesmaid dresses already! LoL. She said, "No pressure Melissa. But we really like this one." ::rolls eyes:: NO PRESSURE. LoL.

Well, I think that's it for now. Rave, if you're reading this, give my booty a call. I'd love to chat and catch up on life with you.

::huggles::

~Mel

I get the details later from Amanda, but there's an Anime Con in early January...in Sacramento...and her and her boy, and his brother are going....and she invited me! ::does happy dance:: I think I'm going to go! ^_^" My very first Anime Convention! I'm SUPER excited about this!

::squeal::

~Mel

We didn't make forever. We must both go our seperate ways.

You know I'll always love you. You know I always will.

It's hard to say goodbye, it's hard to see you cry.

But we've got to grow, and try. And even though it's hard.

We have to say Goodbye.




I heart that movie, and that song. Is it wrong/weird that it could apply to now? Depending on the course someone takes? Kinda makes me emo and nostalgic. Boo...

When I am in a fight with a friend, or even when a friendship ends...I don't go and bare all the dirt I know on that person. And I don't go tell all to my "Special Someone" and then allow him to spread the gossip, with me standing there in full knowledge. That's the same damn fucking thing.

I may have ended friendships with a lot of people, but I still keep the private stuff just that, private. I'm not a little bitch who goes and spreads shit.

That's one thing that Jessica Martella taught me...and I will never stoop to that level. I promised myself long ago that I'd be a better friend then Cila could have ever been. My past, "friends" have shown me how to act and what to do when a friendship is in termoil, or over.

I don't go laying all the shit out for the world to see, or PURPOSELY go "snitch" to someone. I have enough gossip to bury the bitches who talk about me, several times over. But I'm a better person than that.

Let this letter be a huge wake up call. I don't appreciate the lack of loyalty, or respect. You don't respect me. I don't remember when you HAVE ever respected me! Maybe that's MY fault...for trusting your ass who hasn't ever given me a reason.

Love is blind, and stupid. And to love you like a sister isn't doing either of us any good. I'm tired of being dissapointed by you, and craped on by you.

You're on your last leg. It's your choice. Up until now I can clearly see what you've chosen, but my stubborn ass will give you one more chance.

Choose what life you want. Choose if you want to be happy or not. Not choosing is still making a choice.

What I view as important, and what others view as important (or at least the scale, from one to ten) isn't the same. And often times that leads to fights or dissapointment and/or dissagreements.

It all sucks.

I won't lower my standards....I finally got them back up. Besides, I hated who I was when I did.

And I'm tired of being different people for...well, different people. I am a chamelian (sp)...and I work very well at being that way. It's all me! Don't get me wrong! But having so many sides makes it difficult, and sends off too many mixed messages to different people.

No one gets me. I bairly do. And I'm frusterated that people are satisfied enough with just the surface, or with just "filling in the blanks" of what they don't know and just assuming I'm "that" way because it makes them feel better about themselves. No one cares enough to get to really know me. No one wants to dig deep.

I know that I'm destined to be alone, and everyone knows it. But people lie to me out of pity.

I'm going to be an old spinster who owns little yapping dogs, smells like cats, and is bitter at the world. Oh, wait...that's me now. >:(

Slit my writsts and call me Emo. I'm dead to the world anyways.

My left hand is now visably skinnier than my right. My ring size even went down half a size. Ever since the summer it's been acting up. Today alone, I've spilled my tray twice because of my muscles in my hand deciding that it didn't want to work anymore. I spilled hot chocolate all over myself. I bet survalience was laughing. I was just trying not to cry. What the fuck am I going to do? It's getting worse, fast.

Mom and dad say that I need to start going to the Dr's so I can get it documented, so that way in the future It'll be easier to get social security because of it. I'm not ready to lie down and roll over yet.

It just sucks. My disease had stopped, why is it picking itself up again? Why now? It's too damn soon. The fucktard.

Boo. This just sucks.

I came home and got a new phone with number, only to find that all of my friends got new numbers too. But because I was out of the country at the time I didn't recieve any of these numbers. I only have Cassie's and Stephen's new numbers...I can't get ahold of anyone else who still lives here. BOOOO...sucky man. I think I need ice cream and a chick flick.

::trots off::

Damn these emotions. Since when did I become a girl?! I hate this. I really do. If I could, I would close my eyes and click my heels three times, bringing me back to the days of emotional detachment. I liked those days. Things were less confusing and didn't hurt as much.

I'm leaving. I'm going home. I'm COMING home. It's been forever. Too long, really.

Six long, agonizing months. Six months where all I did was a day by day countdown of when I get to step off the plane and into the awaiting arms of my emotional mother and father. Six months where all I could do was wonder how my friends were dealing with their emotional crisis' without me. Six months where I clung to any changes that happened on my friend's myspace, facebook, or livejournal accounts just so I felt like I was still apart of their world and not as far away as I really was. Six months where I missed my girls too much. Six months where I stared every night at the picture of my favorite puppers, kissing it, and telling the photo that, "Mommy still loves you." and wishing that I could just be home throwing the ball for him one more time.

And now that the moment of me getting on the first plane is just a couple short hours away....I wonder where those six months went.

Six months of greeting new people constantly. Six months of weekend phone calls from Finnish friends who wanted, and sometimes, demanded my presence. Six months of slowly getting to know these strangers who are some how related to me, that I live with. Six months of viewing the same scenery that my great-grandfather grew up in. Six months of tomatos and cucumbers that I thought I would hate at this point. Six months of knowing some of the most wonderful people in the world, including Ida and Alma. Six months of an annoying yapping dog that I thought I couldn't stand. Six months of 2am phone calls from two "weird" Finnish boys named Jens and Phillip. Six months of attempting to talk to people whos English is sorely limited, and have no sence of humor that I'm used to. Six long, wonderful months.

Where did the time go? Is it really the end of October? I just got here. Wait, no...it can't be this late in the year! It just can't!

I'm not ready to leave! I'm ready to come home. MORE than ready to come home, but I'm not ready to leave!

My life isn't here. I know that. My life is not meant to be here either. I know that too. But that doesn't mean that I won't miss a lot of it. That doesn't mean that I won't feel homesick for Korsnäs, just like I felt homesick for California. I just wish I could pack everyone up in my suitcases and take them with me.

It's not fair.

I don't like this.

I wish I never came here and got to know everyone. It'd be easier that way. Then I wouldn't have to say goodbye. I wouldn't have to be writing this letter. I wouldn't be crying so damned much. And it wouldn't hurt.

This is just all too much. I can't deal.

I leave for home in four days. My going away party starts in a couple of short hours. I'm nervice. I'm excited. I'm sad. I'm stoked. I'm a mix of emotions. Why can't I just bring the people and parts of Finland that I like home with me?

::sigh:: Well, I better go face the music, get drunk, and give my salty good bye tears to all.

Is it honestly too damn difficult to find a decent used car now-a-days that won't cost an arm, leg, or first born AND have good gas mileage? Is that actually asking too much? ::sigh::

I think I am doomed.

I have been on this stupid computer for well over an hour trying to find the "perfect" (or damn well close enough) car for me. I don't think it exists. And if it does, I don't think it's price is anything under 25 freakin' grand. BOO.

So here's what I think I am looking for in a car. Please, if you have any cars in mind that may fit my preferences, please share. I'd love to find one that I can eventually call my own.

- 2000 model or newer. I just don't want a dinosaur. I do plan on having this car for a long ass time!
- Power Windows
- Power locks (would very much like, but not married to the idea.)
- Automatic (I can't drive stick, and I wont!)
- Under 100k...or near there.
- Up to date registery and smogging and whatnot. I don't want to buy a car just to find out that I have to pay a lot of money just to be able to drive it.
- CD player with decent speakers (again, not married to this idea because I can always upgrade, but it would be very lovely.)
- 4 Door (this is manditory!)
- Small or no scratches (I can live with some)
- No engine problems
- AC
- Runs smooth with no hickups.
- No electrical problems...heck, no problems at all!
- Under 8grand would be nice, but if it's a wonderful car that I could fall in love with I COULD go up to spending 10grand tops(after registery and all that.)
- Cupholders...a FREAKIN' MUST!
- 30mpg city, higher on the highway (obviously)...I would love anything above 30mpg. I don't want gas to be eating my ass more than it has to.

I think that's it. I'm not TOO picky. I don't think so. Here's a list of things that I DON'T care about.
- Sunroof (I could go either way, doesn't bother me.)
- BIG engine (give me a 6 cylander or 4 banger and I'm fine.)
- Tinted Windows
- No key entery
- Convertible
- Leather interrior
- Electric Seats (nice, but not a must.)
- "sweet" rims
- Cruise Control (would be nice, but I can live without it easily.)
- Air Bags (heard they do more harm than good...)
- Heated seats


Ok....so 16 things that I really really am looking for in a car. And 11 things that I am NOT too damn picky about! Mayhap me listing what I'm not caring much about makes me seem less picky? Idk.

Does anyone have any great ideas on any cars that fit my description? I've been 'net searching but it's slightly difficult. I've seen a few "maybes", but I don't know too much about cars so I'm not too damn sure. ::sigh:: I plan on making this purchase sometime next spring. So...I need to start looking now.

Any help...well, helps! Thanks!

::huggles::

~Mel

Lover, we're on at the same time! ::deep breath:: OH, if only Markus didn't take back his stupid laptop!  I can't IM with this computer because it freezes, boo.

I love and miss you!

I crave getting back into my Christian roots and spiritual side, but I don't want to let go of things that I will have to give up.  It's not something superficial like specific clothing, or drinking, or anything like that.  I'm afraid of the people that I'll lose if I go farther towards God.  I wish there was a way I could bring these people with me. Keep them close so I will never have to lose anyone that I care for.  But I know that some of them never will because it's not their beliefe.  And I respect that. ::sigh::  If I didn't respect that I would hate myself, but I do respect it and honor their decision.

Maybe I'm just afraid that if I go towards my beliefes more that my friends that I have will leave me?  i have no intention of leaving them, but they might just slowly cut me out of their lives, and that thought brings me towards tears.

Another issue is my job.  I know, I know, I can always get another job.  But I make good money with this one, and I feel like I am in a perfect opportunity to be a good example for people who are searching for something.   I know that I could do my job and live life how I believe I should be, but the problem will be with other people.  I know that other "Christians" will look down on it and talk about me and redicule me for it, saying that I am "luke warm".  I don't wish for that. ::sigh::  I feel so lost and confused.

Can't I just hit a point where I can sing and worship and seek without having to answer to anyone?  Without having to be judged?  I feel unworthy on either side of the fence.  But I am tired of walking the line between the two.  I can't drive on both sides of the road, and sooner or later I am going to crash.  I need to choose....what's more important to me?